Movie Review: Zombieland

I think I enjoyed this at an "A" level but could only justify a "B" rating...so I split the difference. Things I couldn't get in the review for wordcount reasons: (1) Avoid the cameo spoiler if you can. It's soooooo gooood if you don't know it's coming. (2) It's really not a true horror movie. Sure, there's a few boogity-boogity-boo moments and quite a bit of vomited blood and splatter, but it's really just funny. My wife saw it and didn't have zombie nightmares, and having zombie nightmares is pretty much what she does. Anyway, here's the review:

Mutilation Vacation
Zombieland proves road trips are more fun with corpses

How’s this for a comparison? If Sean of the Dead is the Citizen Kane of horror comedy, Zombieland is the genre’s Singin’ in the Rain. Mind blowing, right? Director Ruben Fleischer and writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have made the first toe-tappingly cheerful, downright optimistic film about the downfall of humanity due to cannibalistic carnage. To put it another way, if you’ve ever had this much fun with dead bodies before, you’re probably in jail.

Realizing that audiences speak fluent apocalypse and no longer need a primer on the ins and outs of zombies, Reese and Wernick begin well after the evil outbreak. A snarky, self-aware voiceover from Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), our Michael Cera–esque hero, describes how he’s used his neuroses to stay alive. This leads to one of the most gorgeous, disgusting opening sequences, filled with well-composed cinematography and copious amounts of bloody vomit.

Columbus joins up with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a character destined to be etched into cult status quicker than you can say Bruce Campbell, and, shortly thereafter, the duo meets up with (and gets conned by) Witchita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin). The characters use the name of destinations to avoid giving away their real identities, and thus a piece of themselves, to strangers they aren’t quite sure they won’t have to slaughter. Once united, the gang meanders, hopping vehicles and chopping up wayward reanimated corpses; you know, just like all family vacations.

Although ostensibly a horror film, the scariest thing about Zombieland is that it’s likely going to make Woody Harrelson famous again. His violent, one-liner spouting redneck in search of a Twinkie is a perfect foil for the razor-tongued, Woody Allen–light Eisenberg, and the combination coyly animates the nuanced dialogue and clever gags rife in the script. As for the females, Breslin is fine in a thankless role, whereas Stone sizzles with smoky eyes and smoldering voice subtly demanding she become the next big thing.

What’s problematic is mostly expected: The bad-ass girls become beautiful bait by the end, and the now generic feel of all things zombie permeates. Also, the film was pitched as a television show, so the final moments feel more like a pilot than a true cinematic denouement. That said, the film’s overtly reiterates Columbus’s rule about enjoying small things for a reason: as a hope-filled horror comedy, Zombieland is a terribly enjoyable small thing.

Grade – B+

Jessica Alba joins stupid franchise, I mock her

Variety is reporting that Jessica Alba, she of nonexistent talent, is going to star in the next Meet the Parents sequel, tentatively titled The Little Fokker. So, on the one hand, at least it's something I don't care about she will ruin next. On the other, I'm bored and it's a slow news week, so that means, I now give to you......



25 Jobs Jessica Alba Should Have

1.) Mime on fire
2.) Murderer-suicider who kills Megan Fox in a tragic, double-naked, live broadcast
3.) Spoiled food tester
4.) Living tongue donor
5.) Shark speed assessor
6.) Garbage disposal jam remover
7.) St. Louis Cardinal second baseman
8.) Movie critic assigned only Jessica Alba movies
9.) Experimental mermaid-tail-graft plastic surgery test subject
10.) Speed bump
11.) Person who has to tell Tyler Perry he's overexposed
12.) Scientology nun (Scientolonun?)
13.) Final ingredient in best cannibal soup EVER
14.) High-school sex-ed teacher
15.) Post-graduate sex-ed teacher
16.) Sex-ed teacher who specializes in people who play World of Warcraft
17.) Coat rack
18.) Topless ninja
19.) Chair
20.) Getter of whatever thing it is you forgot in your car on the cold, cold night
21.) Pillow
22.) Replacement for Jay Leno
23.) Tester of injection that may or may not give superhuman abilities
24.) Proofreader of Stephanie Meyer first drafts
25.) Former actress

Heyooooooo. What zingers! God this is a slow week. I'll be back later (maybe) with a Zombieland review (it was good). If not, catch you tomorrow.

VALIDATION...for the Internet, not for me

A report from Variety titled "Internet Influences Film Audiences" is going to rock the shit out of this here movie industry. Straight up, don't tell me, this is gonna change the world. I mean, we've all thought it, but now...someone is finally saying it: People. Use. The. Internet.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammn!!!

Now that's some straight-up reportin'. Was the first draft of the title: "Internet: Will it catch on?" or "How do you turn this durn computer on?" I kid, but only slightly, because the story went on to say that "Moviegoers 2010," a report on moviegoing habits, concluded that film marketers are going to have to leverage social media and other Internet outlets to promote their movies. Hmmm, if this report came in a time machine that could travel back to 2007, it would blow some effin' minds, y'all. However, in 2009, stats like "94% of all moviegoers are all online" and "73% of moviegoers surveyed have profiles on social networking sites" fall outside of the "relevant info" category and straight into the "no f**king shit" category. I suppose this is really just confirmation of what many of us knew, and that's promotion should take the form of viral word-of-mouth. It's not going to help you sell a bad movie because as soon as one person sees a turd, everyone will talk across the interwebs about the smell. However, if you have a quality film, like a Paranormal Activity, then trying to craft a social media buzz is practical. I'm rambling, let me put it this way: There was one sad little fact in the story that caught my eye, "Of those surveyed, 75% said they trust a friend's opinion more than a movie critic; 80% said they were more likely to see a movie after hearing a positive review from other moviegoers, while only 67% said a thumbs up from a professional critic had the same weight." Okay, so what you see here is that (A) nobody listens to me so why do I do this and (B) that what you really need is a way to facilitate getting people who liked your movie talking about your movie. This means if you have a good product that holding screenings early and ENCOURAGING them to tweet, Facebook, etc about it is a must. Also, I think that all of this is pretty superficial and obvious stuff...but that the one thing it CAN tell us is that someone needs to find a way to track how much buzz on something like Twitter correlates into box office success. What I'm saying is, maybe this is more of a measuring stick than a tool to get people seeing the movie. Also, I'm still really hurt that my opinion doesn't matter to anybody, so I'm going to go now.

Halloween looks in treat sack, finds poo

Regardless of what you think of Summit Pictures, the gang behind the Twilight series, they's some smart muthertruckers. How well have they done for themselves for the small price of selling their dignity to become the ringleaders of teenage vampire porn? They may be buying The Weinstein Company. Rumors are a'buildin' that the ever lovable (not lovable at all) Weinsteins may be forced to sell their vanity corp because they suck at what they do, and Summit may be ready to swoop in and, in doing so, pick up some Oscar bait and become a real studio (not just one that rides Robert Pattinson to glory...I'm going to let you girls and a few guys enjoy that choice of words for a minute...done yet? Good). Further proof of the Weinstein demise is that one of their presumable cash cows, Halloween, is no longer franchising. This could be because the Weinsteins decided to give the series to Rob Zombie, which is like finding the most responsible barfly to drive you home. According to Deadline, pre-production on Halloween 3D has been stopped instantly, like the heart of a frequent patron of Cracker Barrel. It's hard to muster any sympathy for the Weinsteins, who have long been the bogeymen of Hollywood and who are, as we speak, campaigning hard for the rights of Roman Polanski (way to step up to the social plate...wonder if this has anything to do with his next film?). They're not going to go away, Halloween 3D is not going to go away, and Rob Zombie is not going to go away. These are facts. Also a fact, this is what counts as news this week. Blerg.

What you should listen to all day today

Wow, if I wasn't excited for Where the Wild Things Are before (and I was, just go back and check out my frantic salivation over this film for years now), I am totally rabid now. Thanks to Chud.com for pointing out that by going here you can actually stream the entire soundtrack for free (it's a preview, not some creepy piracy thing). It's by Karen O (of the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs) and a bunch of kids, which sounds ooky, but is actually totally and uncontrollably awesome. If you don't instantly start feeling tingles throughout your body, you're a bad person who probably likes Creed. For the record, after this preview wears off, I'm buying this...or, even better, you should buy this for me. You know how people have dreams of writing for a living and having people shower them with fame and attention...I would totally consider myself successful if I could just get people to send me free preview shit. I'm a whore looking for cool swag to shill. Look, I kept this post short!

Norton may once more nurse at the Hulk's teat

Note to Marvel Films...wait, I guess they aren't really "in charge" anymore after the Disney pick-up. Okay, note to the head of Disney's live-action movie division. Oh, right, that guy just quit, too. You know what, this is probably just for me and the few loyal, intelligent, kind-hearted, virtuous, attractive, well-endowed, special people who read this blog anyway (that's not kissing up, I truly love you). So, if any of you could pass along this message to the makers of The Avengers, it would make you even sexier. The Hulk needs to be the villain in the upcoming superheroic cluster-frak that The Avengers will be. Not only would it work neatly into the material you've already established on screen, but I think it may allow you to convince Ed Norton to come back. See, right now, Ed Norton is on the fence (not literally, that would be painful), as demonstrated by his MTV interview wherein he doesn't quite confirm, deny, or laugh about coming back for another go at ole saggy green boobs so much as he suggests he needs a reason. Howsabout squaring off against Robert Downey Jr? That's a good reason. Ed's a good actor, even if he seems like a category 5 D-bag in most interviews, and I liked The Hulk a lot. It was pretty much spot-on Hulkage, so if you didn't like that, you didn't like the Hulk, which is cool. I'm just saying, if cards are played correctly, Norton could come back, and I think that's a good thing. I realize this is not a lot of info to warrant a whole blog post, but people aren't doing anything interesting today and it's not my fault.

Movie Review: The Surrogates

Another day, another movie review. This time, it's The Surrogates, last weekend's only major new release (sorry, Fame, you don't count and never did...call me when you don't look like an MTV reality show). Ben "B-Nasty" Coffman, he asked me to call him that, is here with a look at some semi-inspired, semi-blah sci-fi.

Robo Cop-out
Willis dons a toupee, acts like a robot, in Surrogates
Ben Coffman

The idea of future human beings jacking into a matrix to live virtual lives is a sci-fi theme that predates even The Matrix. In the film Surrogates, based on the graphic novel by Robert Vendetti and Brett Weldele, this theme takes a Blader Runner twist when future human beings are allowed to lounge at home while living vicariously through robotic versions of themselves. Right now, somewhere, the most naturally robotic man in the world, Keanu Reeves, is firing his agent for not getting him into this movie.

Instead of Mr. Reeves, our lead is Bruce Willis, who plays both crusty FBI agent Tom Greer and the super-handsome, blond-toupee-wearing robotic version of FBI agent Tom Greer. Surrogates starts with what is becoming a well-worn formula for modern sci-fi movies: that is, a montage of realistic news clips narrates for the viewer what horrible/great things the human race has accomplished lately.

In this case, a giant corporation (are there any small businesses in the future?) has been producing lifelike robots that can be controlled remotely by users—surrogates that can perform all of the tasks of their human users, without the humans having to leave their couches. And you thought buying a Rumba made you lazy.

With the advent of the surrogate, everything is gumdrops and rainbows in Utopia. Violent crime has sharply dropped off, and the population is happy—until a bad guy starts blasting surrogates with a weapon vaguely reminiscent of a Ghostbusters proton pack that also kills the surrogates’ users, a disturbing development to be sure.

Greer is assigned to the case, which takes him and his partner Peters (Radha Mitchell) through the usual machinations of a cop drama—interviewing suspects and rounding up evidence—with a few passable Terminator-like action scenes thrown in for good measure.

Surrogates, perhaps due to its lack of originality, never quite lives up to its potential—instead it’s a safe murder mystery with a shot of corporate intrigue that masquerades as a sci-fi flick. A half-baked subplot featuring Greer’s wife Maggie (Rosamund Pike), a human touch that could have saved the movie (or at least lent it a shade of pathos), falls well short of the mark, perhaps owing to the fact that the writers responsible for the unholy stench of both Catwoman and Terminator Salvation rendered the screenplay.

That’s not to say that Surrogates is all bad. The makeup department’s ability to apply bucket loads of Maybelline smooth and clear concealer to its sometimes gnarled-looking cast (I’m talking to you, Bruce Willis) is unrivaled. And, in all seriousness, the film does a good job of quickly establishing its derivative sci-fi world and playing within its own rules.

Although some of the more practical problems of the widespread use of surrogates, such as someone taking over another person’s surrogate, are explored, Surrogates mostly glosses over the moral and ethical questions it seems to pose. It’s these deeper existential themes that separate the wheat from the chaff in the world of sci-fi, leaving Surrogates firmly in “meh” territory.

Grade: C-

I'm still going to see it, if only because I have a Bruce Willis toupee fetish. Not a regular toupee fetish, JUST a Bruce Willis toupee fetish. I'm very particular. Seriously, check it out:
Tell me that's not awesome.

Weekend Box Office Results: Let's just assume I'd have gotten 100%

Totally skipped out on predictions this week, much to the chagrin of Haiku lovers and gamblers in Vegas who have an over-under spread on how far off I am on all of the guesses. Somewhere, Jerome "Slick Willy" McDougal is cursing my name for my lack of predictions, whilst Jimmy "Sparkle Fingers" Malloy is cheering because he took the special bet "Ryan doesn't do predictions this week because he's lame." Congrats, Sparkle Fingers. You earned it.

Here are this weekend's results, haiku style:

1.) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs - $25 million

People love this film.
I have no idea why.
Falling food fetish?

2.) Surrogates - $15 million

Bruce Willis is BACK...
to making average films
and wearing toupees.

3.) Fame - $10 million

Someone must say it:
Should your movie be called "fame,"
if nobody cares?

4.) The Informant! - $7 million

Matt Damon got fat
and was still hotter than me
and you, and you, and...

5.) Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself - $5 million

Bye, Tyler Perry.
See you again far too soon.
He's never quite gone.

That's it gang. Happy Monday to ya, and I'll catch you later.

The U.S. gets their man...even if it takes 3 decades and Switzerland

I really don't know what to make of the whole Roman Polanski thing. You know, the one where he pretty much admitted to having sex with a 13-year-old girl while in his 40s and then, after he got convicted, he fled to France before he could be sentenced...only to keep making movies and win an Oscar for The Pianist. On the one hand...Hey there, rapist, you f**king suck. On the other....well if you haven't heard about his arrest and trial 32 years ago, you should really check out just how weird and terrible the whole madness was. More importantly, because the whole ordeal was so badly botched, the girl (now 45 herself) just wants to be left alone, going so far as to ask for the charges to be dropped (which they can't be because he's already been convicted). It's a total clusterfrak; justice wasn't served then, and it likely still won't be now that the 73-year old was taken into custody. What happened was that the U.S. sweet talked Switzerland, long thought to be peaceful and cool, into flipping Polanski by cuffing him and detaining him as he was given a lifetime achievement award. So, he's going to be shipped back stateside, to the dismay of the girl who he harmed. He's 73 and it's not like he's been going around doing terrible things since then (or has he, I don't really know). Then again, a dude convicted of rape shouldn't be able to keep cranking out Oscar winners. So, I really don't know what side to come down. Yay for indifference. I hope, for the victim, this is just the end of it. Let's all agree on that much.

Recurring Nightmare

Like I always say, bitching about remakes is like bitching when the Cubs fail to make the World Series or when you throw an apple in the air and it falls back down and becomes applesauce on your cabeza. Certain things are undeniable facts and we must deal with them. Thankfully, unlike the sorrow brought by the eternally damned Cubs and the pain brought by falling apples and subsequent face-applesauce, some remakes actually bring joy. I'm going to say it...I'm kind of looking forward to this:

A Nightmare on Elm Street in HD


Yes, it looks like yet-another glossy Michael Bay-produced horror film...but it also looks kind of classy and appears, at least in trailer form, to be toeing the appropriate line between bringing new material to the table (the Kreuger chase scene looked great) and including things from the original (claw-glove in bathtub = awesome...in the movie, in real life it makes cleaning your nooks and crannies reaaaalllly unpleasant). Plus, kudos to Jackie Earle Haley for being willing to play a psycho when he has a name that totally sounds like a serial killer already. Oh, and for not going to the "gruff, growling, Christian Bale" well again for the voice. I like that he kind of sounds mentally stunted. I'm interested.

Movie Review: Paranormal Activity

Hey bloggites! Sorry for departing without so much as a word on Friday. I meant to get a few posts up, but I spent the entire day slaving away on the house...okay, that's a lie. I spent most of the day lifting things and standing around while my father-in-law slaved away on the house because nobody wants me to touch anything that could leak water or start fires, and I'm not sure why. Then Saturday was an all-day workshop for the UNO Forensics team, which has a blog page now by the way where you can support them (and please, please do, because we can't go to nationals without your help). So, this is a very long way of saying, I'm sorry, I love you, and it won't happen again. I'd buy you flowers but I'm poor and most of you are dudes who don't like flowers. To make it up to you, here's an early review of Paranormal Activity, the new low-budget horror film that's tearing up the interwebs. Lincoln, NE is one of 13 cities to have the movie, so it's pretty sweet that our pal Justin Senkbile was able to get to it. Without further meandering side-thoughts, here's the review:

Ghost Busted
Paranormal Activity’s bare bones of horror
Justin Senkbile

Remember the first time you saw The Blair Witch Project? How about The Ring? No amount of criticism could remove the mental bruise left by these fantastically frightening movies…at least for a week or so. As time passed, they seemed to become generally regarded as kitschy examples of manipulation and little else. I fear the same fate for director Oren Peli's debut feature, Paranormal Activity, an obvious Blair Witch sibling. Standing firmly within the realm of horror, it exemplifies the genre’s faults and virtues; it is a movie that does nearly everything with hardly anything and packs such a lasting punch that cynicism might be the only way to cope.

Katie (Katie Featherston) has a sense that something strange has been going on in the house at night, and her boyfriend Micah (Micah Sloat), jumping at the chance for a little excitement, picks up a video camera. Although he ends up filming constantly, the original idea was to place the camera in the bedroom and record all night in order to ease Katie's fears by watching the presumably uneventful videos the next morning. Of course, the videos are hardly uneventful.

It begins slowly, with moving doors and inexplicable noises. The more Micah films, and the less seriously he takes it, the more surreal the videos get. Peli takes his time building the tension, tossing us between charming daytime scenes (where everyone's safe) and the dark digital view of the bedroom at night (where the audience, almost on cue, squirms and hides in their seats). The actors deserve some credit for the atmosphere as well, their ease in front of the camera and undeniable chemistry as a couple creates an all-too-real landscape, wherein we're able to buy virtually anything Peli chooses to sell.

The film was made for about $10,000, presumably with friends in a borrowed house, and it looks like it. However, beware of those with knee-jerk criticisms of the home-movie nature of Paranormal Activity—the DIY aesthetic is (like Blair Witch) precisely the thing that makes it all work.

Nebraskans have an unusual opportunity with this movie. It's starting its run in 13 college town theaters, and Lincoln's movie haven, The Ross, is one of them. The next cities to get the film will be determined by online voting, building a great amount of hype while at the same time letting the movie sell itself.

Regardless of whether you like Paranormal Activity or not, we'd all better be hoping this thing does well. A huge studio like Paramount buying such a low-budget movie is almost unheard of. Many of the best filmmakers today are working under these same conditions, and the success or failure of Paranormal Activity will potentially change what happens next. If it's a hit, it could be a long overdue lesson learned for the big studios. Earlier this year, Paramount gave us Hotel for Dogs; buy a ticket to Paranormal Activity and show them what's up.

Grade: B+

Thanks, J-Dawg (I've never called him that). This is one I'm keen to check out.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Because I am having a busy week and because the world hath decided that this news week is slow, there is but one post forthcoming today (the one you're reading) and even this contains information that is pretty weak sauce. Look, every day can't be full of winners, okay?

Here's the top 5 stories that didn't even get to be big-boy grown-up posts on a slow-ass news week:

1.) Director of The Fly to remake The Fly? - This doesn't happen...it just doesn't. You don't hear news about a remake of a classic film that makes you want to do anything but vomit. The 1986 version of The Fly, which was itself a remake of the 1958 movie with Vincent Price, is being remade. So why is this remake of a remake of a remake interesting? Because David Cronenberg, who directed the 1986 epic of bodily horror, is coming back to direct the new one. Huhbuhwha? Well, shit, that sounds...good? No stupid rumors of 3D effects or some crazy new direction seem to be prompting this, just an acknowledgment from Cronenberg that new technology makes him want to revisit the story...which sounds reasonable. In fact, I give the idea three naked Jeff Goldblums about to transport himself:

2.) The shitty superhero cavalcade of crap! - Have you been patiently waiting for someone, ANYONE, to make a sequel to your favorite superhero movie of all time, Ghost Rider? You have?!!! Well f**k you because it's happening. David Goyer is supposedly in talks to work on Ghost Rider 2, and you know Nic Cage will come back because he'll do anything (seriously, I gave the guy a 10-spot to clean some gun off from beneath a bench in a public park, not because I wanted it clean, but to show him who was boss). Also sitting in the "waiting to suck" pile is news that Fox...sorry F**ks Studios is developing a new Daredevil movie and a new Silver Surfer movie, despite having this happen the last time these characters were on screen:

I forgive Jennifer Garner...because she looks like that, but both she and her future impregnator were both so glaringly miscast and the film was so mundane that I can't imagine how they can make something worse...but this is F**ks Studios we're talking about, so they'll find a way. Also, nobody likes the Silver Surfer. Nobody. If you find someone who's favorite character is the Silver Surfer, you've found someone who probably also likes the taste of lead.

3.) Barbie and He-Man still won't procreate to form the perfect toy - Barbie and He-Man have both found homes, although sadly they won't be shacking up under one roof boffing away to produce the best pile of plastic since 1990s-era Pam Anderson. Barbie is a go at Universal...although I thought they made that movie already and called it Legally Blonde, and He-Man is a go at Columbia, which is great because we shouldn't live in a world where this is the only Orco that ever gets to exist on the screen:

4.) Now that's a title change - I love the beautiful, lyrical, haunting Swedish film Let the Right One In. As you may know, it is being remade for US audiences because many, many people think subtitles are icky. The big rumor of the week (that was shot down) was that Philip Seymour Hoffman was considering a role. The bigger rumor in my opinion is that reports have come in that the film is being retitled from it's original retitle, Let Me In, to Fish Head. That's right, Fish Head. Man, for awhile there I was worried they were going to mess this up. Thankfully, I can put all that concern to rest. Fish Head? Jesus, this is setting a record for how terrible things can go. I want to believe this is a lie. It likely isn't.

5.) Diablo gets it - As I told you yesterday, Diablo Cody is hard at work adapting the "Sweet Valley High" series. Good news abounds, as she confirmed via twitter yesterday that the film will be set in the 1980s. Perfect. Setting it in modern day would be a reach, and since it is really a nostalgia bomb anyway, why not set it where it belongs. Kudos, Diablo! As a prize, you get a naked Jeff Goldblum about to transport himself.

That's the bloggery for today, people. I gots to move it.

It's official: I hate Stephanie Meyer

In what can only be seen as a spiritual follow-up to the last post I made, here's a lady writer you can feel free to despise: Stephanie "Crapmaster McRichPants" Meyer. Why her and not Diablo Cody, who I so passionately defended previously? Because Meyer basically recycles cliches, feeds it right into the mouths of hungry-hungry-hippo teens, and gets rich without having a unique thought. Blast Cody for her dialogue, but at least she's trying. Plus, the Twilight series really does little more than once-more romanticize boys who treat girls like jerks and reiterate to little girls (and big girls) that they are nothing without the love of a boy...or boy-turned-undead-or-wolf to be specific. News has broken that Meyer's first "adult" novel, The Host (which, by the way has a title that was used YEARS ago by a superior sci-fi/horror film from Korea), is going to be made into a movie directed by Andrew Niccol, who did Gattaca, which I loved. How uninspired and unoriginal is Meyer's latest? Well, bite into this juicy turd of recycled waste, here's the Publisher's Weekly description (along with my commentary in red):

[Benevolent] planet-hopping parasites are inserting their silvery centipede selves into human brains, curing cancer, eliminating war and turning Earth into paradise. Ah, yes, so she's seen "V." But some people want Earth back, warts and all, especially Melanie Stryder Anyone notice how much "Melanie Stryder" is an obvious play on Stephanie Myer?, who refuses to surrender, even after being captured in Chicago and becoming a host for a Soul [as the parasites call themselves] called Wanderer. Wow, "soul" huh. I wonder if this has any obvious religious overtones. Also, nice job on "wanderer." Melanie uses her surviving brain cells If only Meyer would do the same to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert. When the pair find Melanie’s brother and her boyfriend in a hidden rebel cell led by her uncle, Wanderer is at first hated. Once the rebels accept Wanderer, whom they dub Wanda, Wanda’s whole perspective on humanity changes. Wanderer becomes Wanda? She did say this was for grown-ups, right? While the straightforward narrative is short on detail about the invasion and its stunning aftermath, it shines with romantic intrigue, especially when a love triangle (or quadrangle?!) develops for Wanda/Melanie. Because even when you're fighting for the redemption of your planet, aided by a terribly named alien, you ain't shit if you're a woman without a man.

Kill me now. So, to recap: She's taken "V," melded it with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, slapped on the title from a great Korean movie, and thrown in a romance. If this makes four dollars it's four dollars too many. I also hate that she does publicity shots like this:

NOBODY STOP HER, we're almost free!

The lone recognizable female screenwriter gets new job

I wish I could say that I don't get why people are so hateful towards Diablo Cody, but I live in a world where people hold up signs threatening violence and comparing Barack Obama to Hitler because he wants to reform health care. I get it. Cody takes heat not just because people loathe her unique brand of hyper-stylized dialogue (which, yes, can be a bit much) but because she looks like this:



See, she's got boobies and (presumably) other lady parts, plus she's not content to be quiet or mousy but actually speaks her mind and engages with the public, which means everyone feels as though they can and should trash her because, come on, she's sooooo askin' for it with her doin' all that talkin' and thinkin' and writin' and what not.

Bullshit.

Let me say this before moving on to the reason for this post: Any critic or denizen of the interwebs who has trashed this woman for a single, solitary paragraph had better show me their 5-page treatise on why Akiva Goldsman should be drawn and quartered. Moving on, now is apparently the best time to blast Ms. Cody because Jennifer's Body underperformed. It wasn't a flop because it's going to make it's money back and add a tidy little profit on DVD (it was made for $16 million and has already made $8...so even with marketing, it's going to be huge on home video, where men can watch Megan Fox as they most want to) but, yes, like those aforementioned men would if they actually met Megan Fox in person, the film did underperform. This is despite acknowledgment from almost everyone I've met that Cody nails the whole female-high-school metaphor she was going for and managed to entertain despite having her words spoken by Fox-the-word-killer. Still, she's moving forward as Universal is in discussions to get the "Sweet Valley High" series and deliver it to Cody's doorstep. According to HeatVision, the pitch was made last week, and the show is already on the road. Call me derogatory homophobic names or craft a sign inexplicably comparing me to your favorite dead governing principle, but I'm excited. A gifted female writer writing a movie for young girls. Holy shit, who would've thought it.

There can be...more than one

The only question I have is whether one of the greatest movie-based songs of all time will be redone by the Jonas Brothers or T-Pain featuring Funk-Nasty featuring Izz Niiiiice featuring a lot of computer work. How can you mess with this?



It just makes you want to run out and chop some fool's head off...okay, so there are some drawbacks. By now, if you haven't guessed, I'm here to drop the sour news on your face that Justin Lin (the guy who directed the flippin' rad Better Luck Tomorrow...before doing the two most recent Fastestest and Furiousitist movies) will be remaking Highlander, the movie that made Christopher Lambert everything he is today. The dudes who wrote Iron Man (the script for which wasn't HALF as good as the performance by Downey Jr, which made it) are on board to "expand on the core mythology" of the series, which is so deep and rich that I can explain it in one sentence (two if you want me to acknowledge the second film...which I know you don't): Immortals live among us and try to kill each other by beheading because when they do they get "more power." Done. Oh, if you want to recognize Highlander 2: What do you mean Sean Connery agreed to come back then here's your second sentence: The immortals are space aliens, and the last remaining immortal gets to go home. You can see why someone would want to dig back in to this deep franchise...which I actually toooootally loved as a kid. Lin and the two Iron yahoos aren't who I'd put on the project, but this is a supersweet series that shouldn't have ended like it did, so I'm on board with this provided they get the rights to use the aforementioned bowel-shaking Queen song. I'm going to run around the office screaming "We're the Princes of the Universe" all day. Watch me.

Dear Lord in Heaven, I'm buying the Twilight Soundtrack

In what can only be described as the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, the track list for the new Twilight movie has been released, and it is....totally awesome? No, that's not sarcasm as much as I wish it was. I know, it hurts so bad I don't know what to do about it. It's as though someone has been reading my mean-spirited commentary on the franchise and decided to feed me my just dessert by making a product that I simply MUST have with the picture of....those people on it. Here's the list.

1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
3. Thom Yorke- Hearing Damage
4. Lykke Li – Possibility
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song
6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
7. Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix)
8. Bon Iver and St. Vincent – Rosyln
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong
10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
12. Ok Go- Shooting The Moon
13. Grizzly Bear - Slow Life
14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH! What the hell?! My favorite non-U2 band (Death Cab) has the first song...THOM YORKE is on there...Muse? Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? What is happening? This is the worst news I've had since hearing "No, Brett Favre can still move all of his appendages." Are you telling me that I share something with the millions of people who swear by this series? At the very least, we have common ground in terms of music? I feel like Darth Vader just told me I was his son. I'm going to go wallow now, but before I go, here's a funny and well-illustrated cartoon that is mocking Twilight...a franchise I'm going to buy merchandise from. Weep for me.

View Raw Image" href="http://i43.tinypic.com/5yu97c.jpg" class="thickbox">

Bank robbers to wear Aronofsky-masks

Get it? Aronof-SKI MASKS? I really shouldn't use headlines that rely on the pronunciation of confusing director names. Moving on, it turns out that Darren Aronofsky is going to move from directing a ballet movie (Black Swan) in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have hot, angry sex (I'll be over here when you recover from that) to a movie about the biggest heist ever. Slashfilm.com is reporting that the director is adapting the story of the 2006 British robbery that netted more than $83 million in bank notes (or, as the write-up puts it "a sum of money so vast that if the notes were stacked up they would equal the height of high-rise building"). The robbery was led by a former UFC fighter (how crazy is that) and Aronofsky is intending on it being a character-based caper, which isn't surprising. I'm just glad that Guy Ritchie will be busy directing a sequel to Sherlock Holmes, because we've seen this movie from him already about a half dozen times. What we haven't seen is someone with Aronofsky's proclivity for emotionally demanding characters take on the whole slick crime thing. Again, he's one of those directors that has a free pass with me. Until he makes something I don't like, I will watch anything he does. Period. Also, he is married to Rachel Weisz. That has nothing to do with anything but must be respected. As excited as I am for Black Swan (and really, if you aren't, shame on you), I'm equally as excited for this. That's a lie. This one will not have hot, angry Portman/Kunis sex. Then again, maybe that will become his trademark, like Tarantino's dialogue or John Woo's double-gun jumping? It's a thought.

Hubris, my dear Watson

I like optimism as much as the next guy (more actually, I'm a Cubs and Bears fan), but it seems to me that there's a fine line between having confidence in your upcoming, unreleased, fairly run-of-the-mill looking Sherlock Holmes movie (which bears a striking resemblance to The Wild Wild West adaptation to me) and getting the screenwriters to start working on a sequel. Oh, I get it, your lead is in high demand, what with his armored shenanigans and all (they'll want Downey Jr back in that metal suit ASAP...which is an acronym for "as soon as pee-pee"), but you have no clue if Holmes is going to be a hit despite the gross-national-product of Guam you've sunk into it. Now, it will help things if, as I am still insisting, Brad Pitt is going to cameo at the end as Moriarty, Holmes's nemesis. ...And I suppose if you had an actor of that caliber lined up for what is clearly more than just a quick nod (Moriarty is far too important to recast), I'd imagine you'd have to move fast on a sequel or risk losing him. Hey, now that I think about it, this is beginning to make more sense. If Pitt IS going to be Moriarty, which I know people have disputed but whatever people are lying sacks of Bantha poodoo and Guy Ritchie and Pitt sure do like each other, this HAS to be fast-tracked. That's it, I'm going to go ahead and use this as further proof that my hair-brained Pitt-as-Moriarty idea is confirmed...or at least plausible. Also, I'm not going to complain about any movie with this in it:



Dangerously alluring INDEED!

Movie Review: The Informant!

Here's Ben's review of The Informant! early for you bloggies.

Wiretap Dance
Matt Damon’s a dirty, hairy rat in The Informant!
Ben Coffman

The phrase “corporate intrigue” usually conjures images of dark Armani suits, slicked hair and lawyers racing against the clock to get a key piece of evidence into court before The Bad Guy’s case is dismissed. The Informant! has none of those things. But it is a highly entertaining film with Matt Damon playing a schlub, Joel McHale playing an FBI agent and an exclamation point in the film’s title. What more could you want from a true story?

In The Informant!, Damon transforms into Mark Whitacre, a man made of one part bad moustache and one part agribusiness executive who has been shaken well, poured into a starched-stiff suit and garnished with the sort of eccentricities that can only come from a well-disguised personality disorder. The movie begins in 1992, and Whitacre is living in rural Illinois and working for Archer Daniels Midlands (ADM), a giant agribusiness conglomerate.

With his bad feathered hair and Republican-red ties, Damon plays the well-educated Whitacre like an anti-Michael Clayton. But despite his lack of coolness and good looks, life is good, as evidenced by his collection of high-end foreign sports cars. The father-son owners of ADM, Mick and Dwayne Andreas, trust Whitacre explicitly, and his reward for good service is a paycheck weighty enough to anchor a speedboat. But when the FBI comes a’ calling about an extortion scheme involving lysine experimentation, Whitacre confides, at his wife’s prompting, that ADM has been meeting with other businesses in an international price-fixing scheme.

FBI agents Brian Shepard (Scott Bakula, of “Quantum Leap” fame) and Bob Herndon (McHale, of “The Soup” fame) are subsequently assigned to Whitacre. Over the next several years, Whitacre travels the world, wearing a wire and collecting 250 hours of taped conversations, an accumulation of interviews long enough to make even Ken Burns turn green with envy. However, Whitacre’s gossamer hold on reality seems to evaporate as he moves deeper into a world of corporate spying and lies.

Throughout the tragicomedy, Damon provides the viewer with ostensibly inconsequential, stream-of-consciousness (that’s a nice way of saying “rambling”) narration, which, in turn, provides the audience with plenty of opportunities for laughs. Award-winning composer Marvin Hamlisch matches the main character’s whimsy with a jaunty, anachronistic soundtrack, like a quirkier version of the soundtrack from the Robert Redford movie The Sting (which was also composed by Hamlisch).

Based on a book by Kurt Eichenwald (who was also featured on an episode of Public Radio’s “This American Life”) and directed by Steven Soderbergh (director of the Ocean’s series), The Informant! is the common man’s Duplicity. Unfortunately (or possibly fortunately, depending on your preferences), despite the pedigree of the lead character and the director, The Informant! isn’t Oscar bait. The film is funny without resorting to goofiness and serious without burdening itself with weighty or depressing themes, leaving it in awards-show no-man’s-land. Even Damon’s 30-pound weight gain, an overused gambit by serious actors looking for a little extra attention, will likely remain unrewarded this year. Regardless, The Informant! remains one of the year’s most entertaining films.

Grade: A-

Weekend Box Office Results: What Meaty Balls!

This week was fairly mundane box office-wise, although a certain film with giant dropping balls was a hit with the children to the tune of the third best September opening EVER (which, yes, is like being the very best player on the Detroit Lions...sorry Calvin Johnson...and Steve at CD105). Anyhoodle, let's get to doin' some haikuin'.

Here are the results (haiku style):

1.) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs - $30 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93%)

This title is long.
Some marquees just said "Meatballs."
Poor Bill Murray fans.

2.) The Informant! - $10.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)

Not an outright hit,
Nor was this disappointing.
This total is fine.

3.) Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 85%)

Oh, Tyler Perry.
You are so Tyler Perry.
Right, Tyler Perry?

4.) Love Happens - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)

You know what "happens?"
Nothing good if you see this.
This is your warning.

5.) Jennifer's Body - $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 28%)

Can we all agree
this Megan Fox love is done?
She is bad at life.

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 74%

I blame this on Fox.
And for once I mean Megan,
not the studio.

That's it gang, happy Monday! I'll see you this afternoon with Ben's review of The Informant!

Movie Review: Sleep Dealer

I know, I'm kind of late on this one, but I wanted to be sure to get to it eventually. For you, my beloved bloggies, here is the review that will appear on Thursday in print for the DVD release of Sleep Dealer.



Out(of-body)sourcing
Sleep Dealer examines the sci-fi future of undocumented workers

The geography presented in the canon of dystopian science fiction cinema leaves one wondering if places other than major U.S. cities even get to have a future, as Orwellian as it might be. Writer/director Alex Rivera’s Sleep Dealer is thus both good news and bad. Good news: Mexico has a future! Bad news: It sucks. It’s not that Rivera’s film is overtly pessimistic; it’s just realistic…which is enough to inspire pessimism in those who watch it.

Set in Mexico in that nondescript, time-honored sci-fi setting “the near future,” Sleep Dealer follows Memo Cruz (Luis Fernando Peña), the son of a farmer who dreams of joining the technological rat race. Using farm parts to craft a ham radio on steroids, Memo hears talk of “nodes,” which are Matrix-like ports placed on the upper body. More on that later.

Unfortunately, the military has been charged with monitoring for “aqua terrorists,” people who are more than slightly pissed that big corporations have put up dams and are charging at gunpoint for water. When Memo accidentally hacks a military channel, they track down the signal and conclude he must be a water freedom-fighter, so they blow up his house and drop a missile on his dad.

To support his family, Memo then flees to Tijuana to find work and discovers the future of undocumented labor. The aforementioned nodes allow Mexican residents to connect to and control robots in America; so it’s all of the discounted labor, without any of the Joe Wilson–despised laborers. Of course, these robots run on energy pulled from the human workers, leaving them like walking zombies.

Upon arrival, Memo meets Luz (Leonor Varela), a writer who sells her memories using her nodes and who is willing to serve as Memo’s “coyotek,” which is someone who illegally installs the creepy ports. After she places the memory of Memo for sale, Luz is contacted by Rudy (Jacob Vargas), who just so happens to be the soldier who obliterated Memo’s papi and is determined to find neatly packaged, simplistic redemption.

The flaws in Sleep Dealer are to be expected for any ambitious indie sci-fi flick. Rivera’s expansive ideas and visuals thrash against the limits of the tiny budget. He also isn’t aided by his lead actor. To call Peña wooden is to over-praise his performance and under-value wood. Unlike Primer or Timecrimes, Rivera has a hard time embracing his limitations; his yearning for funding is palpable.

But don’t pity Rivera; it isn’t the film’s marginal acting and weak effects that draws the most attention. The screenplay’s sophistication, its soft-spoken social metaphor hammers the abuse of undocumented workers, explores the willingness of writers to sell off experiences and memories for profit and reminds viewers of that water is to become the oil of the next generation. Nimble plot structure only sporadically betrayed by convenience suggests that Rivera is a talent whose stock is rising. Ultimately, Sleep Dealer is an imperfect but inspired bit of imagination.

Grade – B-

Kirb your enthusiasm

If you're a fan of Marvel Comics (I cannot fathom the subhuman pig person who isn't, so let's just assume you are), you have respect for Jack Kirby.
The man was, in this Marvel Zombie's opinion, the most influential and important comic book artist of all time (suck a duck, Todd McFarlane). Thus, today's news about Kirby troubles me. I'm divided worse than those issues of the Incredible Hulk when they split Bruce Banner and the green monster, I'm more conflicted than the Silver Surfer's sexuality, I'm more confused than Thor's word choice, I'm more troubled than Peter Parker after finding out that Harry Osborn was riding the heroin train to Whitney Houston-ville, I'm...you know, I could do this all day. You get the idea. See, Kirby's estate, having seen how Seigel and Schuster's estate (the guys who created Superman), is now suing Marvel and all related enterprises to get some of the rights to these characters back. Virtually every character in that picture up there (save for Spider-man, who was co-created by artist Steve Ditko) is up for grabs. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as it seems from various reports that Kirby's departure from Marvel wasn't a straight-up case of him getting jobbed by the company but more of a creative difference kind of thing. Plus, unlike the Seigel and Schuster families fighting together, Stan Lee co-created almost all of those characters and is STILL at Marvel. Then again, the Kirby estate got the lawyer who just WON the Seigel and Schuster case, which is going to have very, very serious and real implications for how and when you see Superman (if you do). The whole thing is far too troubling for a simple man who just loves his comics and comic movies. Really, it just makes me sad because I love everyone involved. Why do mommy and daddy have to fight? Is it because I'm bad?

Cutting Room Weekly Roundup

So, what did we learn this week gang?

• We learned that Kanye West is a presidential-level Jackass and Twilight is coming.
• We learned that you have less time than you thought to plan your escape from earth.
• We learned that some of us still love Indiana Jones, no matter how decrepit.
• We learned that none of you buy me anything, even though you should.
• We learned that EVERYBODY will play with a lightsaber if given the chance.
• We learned that my junk drawer always runneth over.
  

That's a lot of life lessons for you to think about. Have a great weekend.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

What a long-ass week this was. But let's talk about some positives for this week:

• Jay Cutler hasn't thrown an interception since Sunday
• We've really started building momentum on this blog...we've had some great comments from thoughtful readers and had some nice spikes in readership
• I have not suffered an embolism
• It's now over

I think that's it. At the box office this week, look for more mediocrity to rain down upon us like giant meatballs from the sky.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs - $28 million

3D flying food
should go over well with kids
should suck for grown ups

2.) Jennifer's Body - $13 million

Not to sound shallow,
if this were silent I'd go.
miss Fox shouldn't speak.

3.) The Informant - $12 million

Matt Damon got fat
because fat equals funny.
Not so sensitive.

4.) I Can Do Bad All By Myself - $11 million

Tyler Perry comes
then just as fast he is gone.
Box office ninja.

5.) Love Happens - $8 million

Aniston is back!
Why is everyone leaving?
Oh, the movie sucks.

WILDCARD - 9 - $5.5 million

I may rent this one.
It could be interesting.
And I am oft bored.

Okay, that's it. I love you all deeply, but I've got to get off this crazy ride for a while. Have a great weekend, if you love me back pray for the Bears and I'll see you Monday.

Eastwood to examine afterlife, likely for personal reasons

I'm not the world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan. The world's biggest Clint Eastwood fan lives in an attic in Minnetonka, Minnesota and has a life-size Eastwood sculpture made entirely of fingernails. I like to believe I made that up, but there's likely some guy in Minnetonka right now going "NOOOO my secret...MY SECRET!" I don't like Eastwood that much at all, to be honest, which people are shocked to discover, until I remind them that this man did several movies where a chimp orangutan was his costar. That's not funny, that's real.



He has multiple Oscars and is considered a living legend. That's him next to the chimp orangutan above. Just saying. Anyway, Eastwood swears he is done acting in movies after he gave the last that he had to give starring as everybody's favorite redeemable bigot in last year's surprise hit Gran Torino, which is Italian for "saggy man boobs." Next up for the chimp-lover is Hereafter, which is going to allow a lot of insensitive people like me to make jokes about how Eastwood is old. The film is written by Peter Morgan, who wrote the brilliant Frost/Nixon and is working on Bond 23, so that's a good start. Also, it stars Matt Damon, which...next to Eastwood NOT starring is the best news so far. The film is supposedly a "supernatural thriller," but Movieline got a bead on things, revealing that it's actually a tense drama (go figure) about three people contemplating the afterlife. There, now that's the boring stuff I'm used to from old Clint! Damon's character can see dead people, and two other characters have near-death or death-related experiences that Eastwood will likely melodramatically explore. I suppose with Damon and Morgan involved, it could be good, but Moses supposes his toeses are roses, so think about that.

Update: An astute reader pointed out I misidentified the animal above. Also, I apparently called the orangutan a chimp.

Michelle Monaghan can kiss, kiss, bang, bang all she wants

In a world where Cameron Diaz is rumored for every single role requiring ovaries, where Renee Zellweger, Charlize Theron, and Halle Berry are Oscar winners, and where Sandra Bullock is still the rom-com queen, why is it that Michelle Monaghan isn't one of the most famous women in film? Exhibit A:

Obviously, there's no need for an Exhibit B, but if there were, I'd point to her work in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and Gone, Baby, Gone as examples of this gravel-voiced angel's ability to nail just about every emotion in the human experience...and yet, you walk in and say "I am about to have a restraining order put on me by Michelle Monaghan" and people yell "who?" Well, first they yell "Get out of here before I shoot" but then they yell "who?" The good news is that Monaghan is making inroads towards the fame she so richly deserves, as she is starring alongside Zack Galifianakis and is reuniting with Robert Downey Jr (I do show a lot of hot chick photos...so in the interest of fairness.



The film is called Due Date and it sounds totally generic but potentially very popular. Downey Jr must get home for his wife's birth (Monaghan) and he is accompanied by Galifianakis in a total rip-off of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. The film will be directed by frat-boy comic God Todd Philips. Prior to this film, Monaghan will be starring in Sofia Coppola's Somewhere, which is really exciting because Coppola is perhaps the most gifted female director working right now. So, remember this face

As if you could forget it.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Please imagine me with my legs delicately crossed, sipping what you believe to be hot cocoa but what is really straight, rot-gut moonshine out of an irreverent mug of some kind, sitting in front of a roaring fire made of copies of Hannah Montana on DVD. That has nothing to do with me telling you about the items in my "junk drawer" that are worth noting but not worth their own post, but it's how I like you to think of me.

Here are the top 5 stories I cared about...but not that much.

1.) Like a bad actor in a Shakespeare play, Blockbuster continues its melodramatic death - Hey, apparently this thing called Netflix is catching on and Blockbuster is sucking it because of it. THR is reporting that 960 stores (likely one that you visit frequently) are closing. That's about 20%. Redbox is the new model for on-the-spot renting for those not ambitious or skilled enough to use Pay-Per-View on their cable boxes, and Blockbuster will likely follow suit. I personally hate this, as I like walking into a video store, strolling around, picking up things that may interest me, and then selecting something. I like the experience. Then again, what do I know, I delicately cross my legs. If it were me, I would work on making a reason to go to the stores or Blockbuster won't exist at all anymore. It's time to redesign their model, and the kiosk thing like Redbox sounds good, but won't last long either. I'd try to make renting a more fun experience somehow. Don't ask me how, I don't work for you.

2.) This movie comes with free hubris - Kick Ass hasn't come out yet. I don't even mean the frakkin' movie, I mean the end of the comic book. The movie is going to beat the comic to the stores at this rate. Ugh. Anyway, Mark Millar, writer of the comic book and influential player in the film adaptation, is known for running his mouth like his tongue was Usain Bolt. He supposedly mentioned that a teaser for the sequel is going to appear at the end of the first film...and that the same teaser is going to pay off the first run of the comic series. So...if I'm reading this right, he's saying that they have plans for a sequel to a comic book series that isn't finished and a movie that isn't out yet. It's incredible that this guy can sit with nuts that big. I'm hopeful for the film, hell it has a John Romita Jr animated sequence in it. Most of you don't know what that means, but that's like the single greatest phrase ever to me. Still...wowza, this guy is sure convinced he rules. It reminds me of this one time I met him. You have to understand he has this thick Scottish accent. So I'm at the Chicago Comic Con (shut up) and I'm going through a line of primarily artists having them sketch something for me in my book (really, shut up). I get to Millar and I skip him because he's, you know, a writer. He grabs my book and says "Don't want ME to draw I see? You want a f**king Wolverine? I'll draw a f**king Wolverine." And he did. And it was good. It was quite funny and he was very, very nice...but that kind of shows his stones, don't it?

3.) Stormtrooper's Lament - I'm going to let this one speak for itself. Sure, it's kind of twisted, but I hope that 8 years later we've reached a point where we can use ridiculous sci-fi analogies to laugh at tragedy. If not, I didn't make the damn thing. Don't look at me.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

God, that's funny.

4.) Lincoln's got a case of the creepys - This trailer is for what could be the next Blair Witch, low-budget horror phenomenon. It looks pretty creepy, and what's awesome is that Lincoln is one of the places that's listed as getting the film early! How cool is that! So, watch it, get a little creeped out, and check out our review down the road.





5.) These people love us - Perhaps the best story of the week that's only worth minor mention because it's likely not going to happen: People are trying to stop the release of Love Happens, claiming somebody jacked their screenplay. I have not read their case, I do not have any information as to what actually happened, and I'm convinced they are right...mostly because they're asking for an injunction to stop the film's release. If they win, all of humanity is saved...so, I hope the judge does the right thing.

That's my junk for the week, gang. See you tomorrow to mop up before the weekend.

The coolest photo ever

This isn't about the fact that I lean left or the fact that I consider Barack Obama to be doing a great job in one of the worst situations ever given to an incoming president. That's beside the point. This is about the sheer power of movies and nerd-dom to rule the world. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the leader of the free world...playing with a lightsaber.



I don't care the context, I care that this ISN'T photoshopped. That's our leader showing great form with a blue lightsaber, reportedly having something to do with him arguing for Chicago to get the Olympics. I don't really care. I just care that this is Exhibit A in how prevalent movies are in modern culture. I care that it demonstrates fairly conclusively that Star Wars remains a cultural touchstone that even George Lucas can't totally ruin. I hope the President is an unlockable Jedi in the next game. I hope that he gets his own lightsaber weilding action figure. This is just so goofy it makes me smile. Happy Thursday!

It's City Slickers meets The Hangover meets Hoop Dreams

Variety is reporting that LeBron James is about to make a very, very bad decision...a Kazaam-sized decision. He's going to star in Fantasy Basketball Camp, which sadly does not mean a camp where centaurs and ogres are centers and pointguards. No, it's a stupid sounding, generic comedy about five guys who get to live out their fantasy by attending the LeBron James Adult Basketball Camp, which sounds like a camp for people with disabilities. Although Bron-Bron has proved he has some charisma in various commercials and one mediocre "SNL" hosting gig, he's got a long way to go before he can lay claim to the Citizen Kane of shitty basketball movies:



I don't know what it says about my life that this is the second Space Jam conversation I've had this week. Anyhoodle, producer Brian Grazer is quoted as saying he feels confident that LeBron can make the same easy transition that Eminem did in 8 Mile, you know, before Eminem launched his giant movie career, going on to star in...absolutely nothing. I'm not saying that I know it will be bad, but I know this will be bad. There is no level of sophistication you can shoehorn into a story that sounds like Wild Hogs, no matter how shoehorny you are.

Things You Should Buy Me, Volume 3

For those keeping track at home, we have had two previous installments of Things You Should Buy Me. Volume One and Volume Two have resulted in a whopping response, overwhelming really, insofar as I have received NOTHING THAT I HAVE PROMOTED. Is it the title of the column? Does it need to be pushier? Like "Buy Me These Things Or It's Curtains For You?" Also, consider that if you give me things, there's a chance they'll end up being plugged here so that others can discover them. What I'm saying is...still no free shit. I thought everybody who blogged got free shit. Why else would people do this? Well, being the relentless optimist I am, I KNOW this is the week people shower me with the things I request. So here goes.

The three things you should buy me this week:

1.) Degobah Frog Set



Yeah, you're seeing that right. You can go to ThinkGeek.com and buy me this and I can raise tadpoles into frogs with a little Yoda in an environment that is just perfect. Are you kidding me? How cool is that?! They're little tadpoles growing into frogs with a little Luke Skywalker doing his little whining on top of his little buried X-Wing. That's not little, that's HUGELY cool!

2.) Ultimate Alliance 2



Oh, hell yes. I've been waiting for this on my X-Box 360. I'm totally free to play it too, because nobody bought me the new Batman game either. You can team up some crazy groups in a reenactment of the "Civil War" storyline. I'll let you guess what hero I'm going to choose to lead my team (hint: it's not the blonde with the mullet on the cover). You get this at any Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or anywhere that electronics and other goods are sold that you should also buy me.

3.) Indigo Montoya hoodie


Everybody loves hoodies, but hoodies with 1990s nostalgia like this just don't come along more than once or twice a Hot Topic. Seriously, it looks like just a plain black hoodie, but then you see the chest and you're all "oh, snap, I remember that fantastic line of dialogue that is repeated by more people inside your age group than any other line in history besides anybody want a peanut, which should also totally be another hoodie." This one is at ThinkGeek.com again, so you should really just hang out there for awhile and do some Ryan shopping. I'm worth it.